New AEW World Champion “Hangman” Adam Page has issued a tongue-in-cheek press release on his win over Kenny Omega in the main event of Saturday’s AEW Full Gear pay-per-view.
FOR RELEASE SOMETIME AFTER BTE GOES UP I GUESS
“HANGMAN” ADAM PAGE SHARES HIS THOUGHTS AFTER BEING CROWNED ALL ELITE WRESTLING WORLD CHAMPION AT FULL GEAR
After celebrating his championship win over Kenny Omega at AEW Full Gear by sharing seventeen orders of baby back ribs from Chili’s with the Dark Order, answering seventy-four congratulatory text messages and two asking to get them booked on Dark, and obnoxiously snoring his way through two early morning Delta airlines flights home, “Hangman” Adam Page has decided to share his thoughts and intentions as AEW World Champion.
– “Hangman” Adam Page is declaring this Wednesday, November 17, as the first National Cowboy S–t Day*, with celebrations live from his home state of Virginia this week on Dynamite.
– “Hangman” Adam Page will continue to increase his strength and cardiovascular training, add additional dynamic and static stretching to his routine to limber out his rigid frame, and study the vegan diet in order to prepare for the number one contender Bryan Danielson.
– As champion, “Hangman” Adam Page will welcome all other challengers as AEW sees fit, but please God don’t make him fight Wardlow and his big muscle tits again.
– After seeing the unofficial, unauthorized, and most brilliant display of “I don’t give a s–t about copyright”, “The Good, The Bad, and The Elite” series on YouTube, “Hangman” Adam Page will use his new leverage as champion to get that guy a job or at the very least a nice letter and fruit basket.
– With the bonus payment that comes with winning the AEW World Championship, “Hangman” Adam Page will trade in his gas-guzzling truck for an electric vehicle in an effort to reduce planet-warming emissions and encourage others to make the switch when they see how badass it looks with steer horns mounted on the front or whatever.
– “Hangman” Adam Page would like to send a genuine and heartfelt thank you to the many fans that never gave up on him, even when he gave them every reason to. They’ve helped him accomplish more than he had ever imagined.
If you would like to hear more of “Hangman” Adam Page’s thoughts on his recent championship win, “tell them i ain’t doing anymore of those podcasts as long as i live, you think i wanna be on the don and dookie youtube show or whatever yeah right get a clue, i’m champion now i got so much s–t to do i’m already so stressed”.
* Pending approval from the National Day Archives, which I really doubt is going to happen since their last correspondence simply said “Stop emailing us about this.”